25 Tips for the Average Man
I say “average” because…let’s face it…hot men do not need help getting women. 
Keep in mind I am not licensed to give advice. The only thing that qualifies me to write something like this is that I am, in fact, a woman. I know, surprise, right? And I've had many many experiences with the opposite sex. Plus I have a lot of fabulous women in my life who have shared their thoughts with me…so some of this is on behalf of them.
Hopefully there are a few tips in here to help you Mr. Average Man who always finishes last behind those sexy bad ass men who drive motorcycles and get to sleep with all the women you can only dream about…
1. Clothes: Learn how to match them. If you’re color blind, have a female in your life help you. Brown and black, as far you’re concerned, do not go together. Wearing one color from head to toe is also a bad idea (esp. black) unless you’re attending a funeral. Do not mix patterns. Do not mix shades (i.e. light green shirt and dark green pants do not go together because they are “both greens”)
2. While we’re talking clothes: Start buying white Hanes undershirts in bulk and wear one every day. We know you re-wear your shirts before you wash them again so do us all a favor and at least have a fresh undershirt on. Plus a man in a white shirt at the end of the day is sexy. (Bonus: This means less washings between wears. Double Bonus: If your man boobs are offensive…this helps tone it down a bit--for the record, a guy friend of mine told me that, I'm not really an asshole)
3. Phone: Pick it up and call every now and again…or at least text for chrissakes! Let the girl know you’re thinking about her during the day. Do not, however, text her every 5 minutes. That’s creepy. (Warning: if you do text/call at the same time every day, expect her to freak out on the day you forget)
4. Scent: While you don’t need to bathe in our favorite cologne, women are attracted to men who smell good. If a woman smells something nice, she will turn her head to see where it came from. Find your happy medium between Cholo and homeless.
5. Hair: We understand your typical man doesn’t like to spend a lot of time or money on hair…but I guarantee that if you had an identical twin with a $35 haircut while you’re telling a beauty school drop out that you want 2 on top and 1 on the sides…he’s going to be getting laid that night while you level in your video game. (Bonus: ask a female friend to introduce you to her hot friend from HS who works at a legit hair salon without “Clips” in the name)
6. Manners: Have them. Save the belching, farting, loogie hawking, and arm pit noises for the second date.
7. Use your words. If your vocab rivals that of her 7 year old nephew…she’ll most likely end up patting you on the head and walking away.
8. Other women: This is important if you want to date her…even more important if you want to get laid eventually—do NOT under and circumstances talk about OTHER hot women. When all you do is point out how hot this actress, or that girl from accounting, is…she’s going to think she doesn’t measure up to your standards, and let’s be honest…she’s probably out of your league anyway…so don’t blow it by acting like you’ve never touched a boob before.
9. Video games: There is not enough room in this blog to talk about this topic so I’m going to keep it short and sweet. Your video game is not going to fuck you. She will. Priorities bro.
10. Sports: If you want her to accept your need to watch all 500 games of baseball and expect her to keep quiet during the entire football game, save commercials…then you better fucking include her. I’ve seen many friends up and decide they are fans of the same team their boyfriend is because he shared his love of his team with her. It’s that simple. If she feels neglected during your season…you better expect to miss the most intense play of the championship game because we’re not fucking around. We’re better at game playing than your favorite team. (Bonus: buy her a jersey to wear, or not wear ;) on game day)
11. Birthdays/holidays/anniversaries: Remember them. These days you have no excuses because your cell phone does everything but buy the gift for you. They even have little alarms that will go off to alert you so you don’t even have to look at the damn phone that day. If you don’t know how to do this I’m sure she’ll be happy to “program” your phone for you.
12. Which brings me to gifts: If you’re a cheap bastard who doesn’t like spending money on a girl…by all means continue to spend your money on video games and pornography. Also realize that your titty touching days are over…if they ever started in the first place. Remember that it really is the thought that counts—not the price. Unless you have a trust fund, it’s doubtful that this woman is with you because of your money anyway. Also remember that she will, in turn, buy you a gift as well. Maybe even porn for you to watch together!
13. This leads in to sexy time: Learn some skills my friend. Here’s a secret women already know…a lot of hot guys are not good in bed because they never had to be. They have poon flying at them whether they’re good in bed or not so they’ve become accustomed to always finishing first and not carrying if we finish at all. Make pleasing a woman an art form that you perfect. Always, always, always take care of her first. We save our best blow jobs for the Mr. Pussies of the world. That’s no secret. (Bonus: make friends with a lesbian who can give you tips on how to please a woman)
14. Grow a pair: We know you were turned down by your incredibly hot lab partner in college when you finally gained the courage to ask her to dinner after a study session. Get over it already. Stop acting like every woman is going to turn you down and get some god damn confidence already! I’m going to tell you guys the same thing I tell my female friends, if they turn you down they aren’t interested in you—big fucking deal. Go find someone who is. Some where out there is someone who actually wants to hear about your sci-fi miniseries DVD collection on Blue Ray. You won’t find her if you don’t approach her and ask!
15. And when you find her: Don’t think you can do better. We all do this…we think, yeah we get along great, we can talk about anything and everything, they’re so nice to me, they really care about my feelings and what I have to say…but I think I could find someone hotter/thinner/taller/prettier/more athletic/who likes “fill in the blank” too. Assume you can’t because that’s more likely the case. Constantly thinking you’ll find someone better than the fabulous person you have in front of you is going to keep you on a search for the rest of your life. There will always be some thing, or things, that you don’t necessarily like about a person. Chances are…you have some things about you too that she doesn’t like, but is willing to look past.
16. Work for it: When you do meet someone worth your time and she actually wants your lazy ass…don’t expect her to do all the work. Yes, we women are all for equality. We have no problem paying for our half of the check or opening our own doors these days. We also don’t have any problem asking a guy out. However, men have gotten really lazy which in turn makes women desperate for attention. Guys have been sitting back and waiting for women to do all the inviting, make all the plans, do all the calling. You know we will eventually break down and call you…but save yourself an argument down the road and make a date with her first.
17. Comfort zone: Leave yours every once in a while. If you’re a hermit who stays in all the time and doesn’t like meeting new people…if you find a girl who does…you better be willing to accompany her on occasion. And don’t sit in the corner and act like you’re next in line for a good flogging. No one said you have to be the center of attention…just stay by her side and throw out a comment every now and again. On the flip side…if you’re a guy who needs 4 nights out a week to drink with his friends and make a horse’s ass out of himself…you better be willing to share an equal amount of intimate nights in with just your lady friend. No woman with half a brain and her own life is going to ask you to completely change yours…but if you don’t adapt and let her become a part of your life then she’s going to take her hot ass and find someone who will.
18. Her friends: OFF LIMITS. Completely. She never needs to know which one of her friends you think is hot…unless she flat out asks you…but that will never happen. If it does, I’m sorry, there’s no way she’s interested in you then. Women peacefully coexist with each other because we surround ourselves with friends who have completely different taste in men than we do. This also means if you have a girl who is interested in you—but you don’t feel the same—you have absolutely no chance of dating any of her friends. We piss on men to mark our territories. Any good friend respects the territory whether or not it works out for the two of you. Don’t even try to shit where she eats. If you do…it’s your funeral dude. (Warning: “Hell hath no fury…” is not just a saying—it’s a gospel)
19. What your friends think: Take their opinions of your woman with a grain of salt. If your friends give you shit because your girl isn’t hot/skinny/tall/perfect enough and you dump her because of this…well you’re an asshole. As long as your lady friend isn’t physically or mentally abusing you—whatever opinion your friends have is probably out of jealousy that they will again be spending the night with their girlfriend JILL/righty while you’re getting blow jobs for lunch. Chances are her friends think you could stand to benefit from a personal shopper and an ab machine…but they know you treat their friend well, so they keep those thoughts to themselves.
20. Cheating: Don’t do it. If you want to fuck a slutty co-ed while your woman is out of town visiting relatives…then do both of you a favor and walk out in front of a moving bus. Just jokes. But seriously say goodbye to any trust she has ever had/will ever have for you. She now holds a “get out of cheating free” card in her hand and can use it against you to sleep with that really hot rich lawyer who works in her office legal department and asked her out once but she turned down because she was dating your sorry ass.
21. Lying: May the good Lord/Allah/Baby Jesus be with you if you feel the need to outright lie to a woman about that slutty co-ed you cheated on her with. We’ve been trained in the art of lie detection and you will always be figured out eventually. But really, just be honest when it counts. We have steel trap minds and will remember that you said you were “visiting your grandmother” when your friend posts on your Facebook wall that he had a great time at the game last weekend. Good luck explaining that one. We’re not unreasonable creatures that don’t want you to have a life and have friends. Just be straight about what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with. When you get caught sending your dick to your coworker (ala Favre) you better be wearing a wiener guard.
22. Say it: Tell her you love her if you do. Say it all the time. It never gets old. Tell her she’s amazing just the way she is and that no other girl compares (basically any line out of a Bruno Mars song will work). Tell her that you’re the luckiest guy in the world to be with her…because you are.
23. Show it: Rhett Butler said it right in Gone With the Wind. She needs to be kissed, and often, and by somebody who knows how. Even though it sounds very junior high…holding hands, touching the small of her back, putting your arm around her…all these things make her feel special. When she feels special she’s happy. When she’s happy, you’re happy.
_16.jpg)
24. On the other hand: If you’re not interested in her…don’t act like you are. Let her know up front if you want to keep her in your life as just a friend. Don’t fuck her a bunch of times and then tell her you don’t want to date her. Make it known before penetration. If you think you’re saving her feelings by being nice and letting her down gently, you run the risk of her thinking there’s still a chance with the two of you and hurting her feelings over and over instead of just once. Man up and be straight with her. Don’t pussy foot around the topic by dropping what you think are hints she should be getting. Again, if you aren’t straight up about it, you run the risk of her holding on to whatever shred of evidence she has that you may like her one day.
25. Finally: If this is all too much for you…go watch The Notebook.
Keep in mind I am not licensed to give advice. The only thing that qualifies me to write something like this is that I am, in fact, a woman. I know, surprise, right? And I've had many many experiences with the opposite sex. Plus I have a lot of fabulous women in my life who have shared their thoughts with me…so some of this is on behalf of them.
Hopefully there are a few tips in here to help you Mr. Average Man who always finishes last behind those sexy bad ass men who drive motorcycles and get to sleep with all the women you can only dream about…
1. Clothes: Learn how to match them. If you’re color blind, have a female in your life help you. Brown and black, as far you’re concerned, do not go together. Wearing one color from head to toe is also a bad idea (esp. black) unless you’re attending a funeral. Do not mix patterns. Do not mix shades (i.e. light green shirt and dark green pants do not go together because they are “both greens”)
2. While we’re talking clothes: Start buying white Hanes undershirts in bulk and wear one every day. We know you re-wear your shirts before you wash them again so do us all a favor and at least have a fresh undershirt on. Plus a man in a white shirt at the end of the day is sexy. (Bonus: This means less washings between wears. Double Bonus: If your man boobs are offensive…this helps tone it down a bit--for the record, a guy friend of mine told me that, I'm not really an asshole)
3. Phone: Pick it up and call every now and again…or at least text for chrissakes! Let the girl know you’re thinking about her during the day. Do not, however, text her every 5 minutes. That’s creepy. (Warning: if you do text/call at the same time every day, expect her to freak out on the day you forget)
4. Scent: While you don’t need to bathe in our favorite cologne, women are attracted to men who smell good. If a woman smells something nice, she will turn her head to see where it came from. Find your happy medium between Cholo and homeless.
5. Hair: We understand your typical man doesn’t like to spend a lot of time or money on hair…but I guarantee that if you had an identical twin with a $35 haircut while you’re telling a beauty school drop out that you want 2 on top and 1 on the sides…he’s going to be getting laid that night while you level in your video game. (Bonus: ask a female friend to introduce you to her hot friend from HS who works at a legit hair salon without “Clips” in the name)
6. Manners: Have them. Save the belching, farting, loogie hawking, and arm pit noises for the second date.
7. Use your words. If your vocab rivals that of her 7 year old nephew…she’ll most likely end up patting you on the head and walking away.
8. Other women: This is important if you want to date her…even more important if you want to get laid eventually—do NOT under and circumstances talk about OTHER hot women. When all you do is point out how hot this actress, or that girl from accounting, is…she’s going to think she doesn’t measure up to your standards, and let’s be honest…she’s probably out of your league anyway…so don’t blow it by acting like you’ve never touched a boob before.
9. Video games: There is not enough room in this blog to talk about this topic so I’m going to keep it short and sweet. Your video game is not going to fuck you. She will. Priorities bro.
10. Sports: If you want her to accept your need to watch all 500 games of baseball and expect her to keep quiet during the entire football game, save commercials…then you better fucking include her. I’ve seen many friends up and decide they are fans of the same team their boyfriend is because he shared his love of his team with her. It’s that simple. If she feels neglected during your season…you better expect to miss the most intense play of the championship game because we’re not fucking around. We’re better at game playing than your favorite team. (Bonus: buy her a jersey to wear, or not wear ;) on game day)
11. Birthdays/holidays/anniversaries: Remember them. These days you have no excuses because your cell phone does everything but buy the gift for you. They even have little alarms that will go off to alert you so you don’t even have to look at the damn phone that day. If you don’t know how to do this I’m sure she’ll be happy to “program” your phone for you.
12. Which brings me to gifts: If you’re a cheap bastard who doesn’t like spending money on a girl…by all means continue to spend your money on video games and pornography. Also realize that your titty touching days are over…if they ever started in the first place. Remember that it really is the thought that counts—not the price. Unless you have a trust fund, it’s doubtful that this woman is with you because of your money anyway. Also remember that she will, in turn, buy you a gift as well. Maybe even porn for you to watch together!
13. This leads in to sexy time: Learn some skills my friend. Here’s a secret women already know…a lot of hot guys are not good in bed because they never had to be. They have poon flying at them whether they’re good in bed or not so they’ve become accustomed to always finishing first and not carrying if we finish at all. Make pleasing a woman an art form that you perfect. Always, always, always take care of her first. We save our best blow jobs for the Mr. Pussies of the world. That’s no secret. (Bonus: make friends with a lesbian who can give you tips on how to please a woman)
14. Grow a pair: We know you were turned down by your incredibly hot lab partner in college when you finally gained the courage to ask her to dinner after a study session. Get over it already. Stop acting like every woman is going to turn you down and get some god damn confidence already! I’m going to tell you guys the same thing I tell my female friends, if they turn you down they aren’t interested in you—big fucking deal. Go find someone who is. Some where out there is someone who actually wants to hear about your sci-fi miniseries DVD collection on Blue Ray. You won’t find her if you don’t approach her and ask!
15. And when you find her: Don’t think you can do better. We all do this…we think, yeah we get along great, we can talk about anything and everything, they’re so nice to me, they really care about my feelings and what I have to say…but I think I could find someone hotter/thinner/taller/prettier/more athletic/who likes “fill in the blank” too. Assume you can’t because that’s more likely the case. Constantly thinking you’ll find someone better than the fabulous person you have in front of you is going to keep you on a search for the rest of your life. There will always be some thing, or things, that you don’t necessarily like about a person. Chances are…you have some things about you too that she doesn’t like, but is willing to look past.
16. Work for it: When you do meet someone worth your time and she actually wants your lazy ass…don’t expect her to do all the work. Yes, we women are all for equality. We have no problem paying for our half of the check or opening our own doors these days. We also don’t have any problem asking a guy out. However, men have gotten really lazy which in turn makes women desperate for attention. Guys have been sitting back and waiting for women to do all the inviting, make all the plans, do all the calling. You know we will eventually break down and call you…but save yourself an argument down the road and make a date with her first.
17. Comfort zone: Leave yours every once in a while. If you’re a hermit who stays in all the time and doesn’t like meeting new people…if you find a girl who does…you better be willing to accompany her on occasion. And don’t sit in the corner and act like you’re next in line for a good flogging. No one said you have to be the center of attention…just stay by her side and throw out a comment every now and again. On the flip side…if you’re a guy who needs 4 nights out a week to drink with his friends and make a horse’s ass out of himself…you better be willing to share an equal amount of intimate nights in with just your lady friend. No woman with half a brain and her own life is going to ask you to completely change yours…but if you don’t adapt and let her become a part of your life then she’s going to take her hot ass and find someone who will.
18. Her friends: OFF LIMITS. Completely. She never needs to know which one of her friends you think is hot…unless she flat out asks you…but that will never happen. If it does, I’m sorry, there’s no way she’s interested in you then. Women peacefully coexist with each other because we surround ourselves with friends who have completely different taste in men than we do. This also means if you have a girl who is interested in you—but you don’t feel the same—you have absolutely no chance of dating any of her friends. We piss on men to mark our territories. Any good friend respects the territory whether or not it works out for the two of you. Don’t even try to shit where she eats. If you do…it’s your funeral dude. (Warning: “Hell hath no fury…” is not just a saying—it’s a gospel)
19. What your friends think: Take their opinions of your woman with a grain of salt. If your friends give you shit because your girl isn’t hot/skinny/tall/perfect enough and you dump her because of this…well you’re an asshole. As long as your lady friend isn’t physically or mentally abusing you—whatever opinion your friends have is probably out of jealousy that they will again be spending the night with their girlfriend JILL/righty while you’re getting blow jobs for lunch. Chances are her friends think you could stand to benefit from a personal shopper and an ab machine…but they know you treat their friend well, so they keep those thoughts to themselves.
20. Cheating: Don’t do it. If you want to fuck a slutty co-ed while your woman is out of town visiting relatives…then do both of you a favor and walk out in front of a moving bus. Just jokes. But seriously say goodbye to any trust she has ever had/will ever have for you. She now holds a “get out of cheating free” card in her hand and can use it against you to sleep with that really hot rich lawyer who works in her office legal department and asked her out once but she turned down because she was dating your sorry ass.
21. Lying: May the good Lord/Allah/Baby Jesus be with you if you feel the need to outright lie to a woman about that slutty co-ed you cheated on her with. We’ve been trained in the art of lie detection and you will always be figured out eventually. But really, just be honest when it counts. We have steel trap minds and will remember that you said you were “visiting your grandmother” when your friend posts on your Facebook wall that he had a great time at the game last weekend. Good luck explaining that one. We’re not unreasonable creatures that don’t want you to have a life and have friends. Just be straight about what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with. When you get caught sending your dick to your coworker (ala Favre) you better be wearing a wiener guard.
22. Say it: Tell her you love her if you do. Say it all the time. It never gets old. Tell her she’s amazing just the way she is and that no other girl compares (basically any line out of a Bruno Mars song will work). Tell her that you’re the luckiest guy in the world to be with her…because you are.
23. Show it: Rhett Butler said it right in Gone With the Wind. She needs to be kissed, and often, and by somebody who knows how. Even though it sounds very junior high…holding hands, touching the small of her back, putting your arm around her…all these things make her feel special. When she feels special she’s happy. When she’s happy, you’re happy.
24. On the other hand: If you’re not interested in her…don’t act like you are. Let her know up front if you want to keep her in your life as just a friend. Don’t fuck her a bunch of times and then tell her you don’t want to date her. Make it known before penetration. If you think you’re saving her feelings by being nice and letting her down gently, you run the risk of her thinking there’s still a chance with the two of you and hurting her feelings over and over instead of just once. Man up and be straight with her. Don’t pussy foot around the topic by dropping what you think are hints she should be getting. Again, if you aren’t straight up about it, you run the risk of her holding on to whatever shred of evidence she has that you may like her one day.
25. Finally: If this is all too much for you…go watch The Notebook.
Haha, these made me laugh. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteWhitney =)
Thanks Whitney, glad someone laughed at this besides me! :)
ReplyDeleteWe can agree, to agree ;)
ReplyDelete